Something needs to go...
I couldn't find my journal tonight, so I find myself blogging what I must get out of my head in order for me to sleep tonight. I am currently living on a lack of sleep plus sugar (which happens when I do not sleep), which leads to low energy. I am also so completely Iowa-sick right now. Missing Iowa in the fall. Missing being on the farm in the fall. Missing taking classes and learning and playing soccer and crisp early morning breezes.
What is on my chest is that I am too busy with things that I think are valuable. Things that I believe are important, but I am only one person and cannot do everything. Here is what my typical week looks like:
Sunday - Church, Young Life, Church
Monday - Teaching, Young Life
Tuesday - Teaching, YL prayer meeting, Bible study with Kristi
Wednesday - Teaching, meetings after school, Bible Study
Thursday - Teaching, different Bible Study
Friday - Teaching
Saturday - Making up for lost time.
Add to this schedule friends, a boyfriend, trying to exercise, eat healthy, clean, spend quiet time with God, call family and friends in other states, lesson planning, and time for just me and I feel too busy. I can't do what I did in college and live on power naps. That no longer works for me. Instead I have opted to live on less energy. I know that I can't go on like this much longer. I have way too much to juggle!
I feel like there is so much more that could be added to my schedule with YL...meeting with kids, getting to the high school, ect. I LOVE Young Life. I love what working 15 hours less a week has allowed me to do this year. I love meeting with kids and hanging out and just being there to be a positive and encouraging friend. Young Life, I am convinced, is one reason God did not give me a job as a classroom teacher this year. I wasn't able to give even half as much last year and already I can see the benefits that are being reaped. I am living out my passion. There is nothing that excites me more than seeing a kid meet Christ in a more personal and meaningful way. This, I know, I cannot take out of my life.
As for the Bible studies, well, I have lots of friends outside of my job and YL that desire my time as well. On more than one occasion I have had people come up to me and say something like, "Julie, why don't you join me for ____________(some Biblical study, you name it). I really appreciate your knowledge and learning from you!" What a great compliment! BUT hearing things like this makes me feel like I just can't say "NO". Does anyone else feel that way? This the hardest part about being involved in church, Young Life, and being a Christian school teacher. I feel like I know what it is like to be a pastor. So many good things that I could be a part of, so many things I could have a positive impact on, but I'm tired and when I am tired I am not being as productive in my ministry as I could be.
I also feel disconnected. I feel like so many of the people I know, love, and care about are a zillion miles away. I have lost touch with so many people in the past few months. I know that many people come into and out of your life and that is natural. But I cannot ditch those who have been my best friends, those who have challenged me, those I have learned with, and those who are more like family than friends. It shouldn't be so hard for me to drop an email once a month or make a phone call. I even feel disconnected from my own family. Completely out of touch. Part of this is not having seen them in two months, but I know that I'm not helping my mother's mid-life depression by not calling her more often (my moving away and growing up seems to have taken the purpose out of her life), or to ask my younger brother how college is going, or call my older brother (which, sadly, I have never done). I can handle living away from them as long as they are still a priority to me, and as long as they know that, but I know that I am less of a daughter and sister than I want to be.
Something needs to go. This is what I am praying about. Stuff that I am doing for God should not wear me out, but having too much of it to deal with wears me out. I know that I need to take better care of myself. I also know that I need more God time. I need time to sit with God without others around me. If others are to actually benefit from my heart and my teaching, I need to be still before God and listen to his voice. I also need to grow and I think the best way for this to happen is for me to spend more time with Him on my own. I need to regain my focus.
So, the question I am pondering tonight...
What needs to go?
My job? Young Life? Bible Study #1, 2, or 3? Church? Boyfriend? Friends? Family?
Okay...so obviously, I can't let go of some of these things.
BUT...Something needs to go.
Any suggestions???
posted by JULIE @ 10:57 PM
1 Comments:
Yes. Get rid of them all. Okay, no. That won't work. Here is the deal, you cannot find balance until you truly know what is important. You need a break to figure out what is important. Take a week off. One week away from everything you can possibly avoid--boyfriend, family, studies, friends, and YL can all be avoided for one week if you are committed to really taking a refocus break. Take that week and try to spend time with God in prayer and hone in on what you cannot stand being without. I can stand not talking to my sister for 2 or 3 weeks, I cannot stand it for much longer. I can't stand to be uninvolved with Ray for more than a few minutes. I can let formal ministry go, but I cannot stop ministering to those in my immediate context. It won't take long to realize what can and cannot go when you see what you cannot live without. That is how you order your priorities, and that is how you find the balance in life. My guess is that you need your family and friends, but that you don't need to call your mother to appease the mid-life monsters that she needs to learn to deal with. My guess is that you need Young Life, because those kids need your insight and example, but that the Bible studies 1, 2 and 3 are probably all studies that could happen without you and still be beneficial for the others. Just because people want you does not mean they are worse off without you. As a pastor in training I can tell you that knowing your passions and setting your boundaries is the hardest thing to do, but you need to do it in order to ever be effective--or sane for that matter. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a week for just yourself and find your focus. I think you already know what it is, you just don't want to admit it. An important question to ask yourself might be why don't you want to admit it, and why don't you want to set those boundaries? Is it because of something you need, rather than something you feel others need from you? Many pastors serve out of their own need--codependency, need to feel like they are making a difference, works righteousness, wanting to fix everything--and that is not healthy for either the pastor or the parishoner. Neither is being spread too thin and not having enough energy to minister. I know you know all that. But knowing and living are two different things. Don't live what you know is unhealthy. Find your center. And, btw, thanks for the encouragement the other day. You are right. I'm a darn good mom, and those other people don't know me and don't know what they are talking about. I was glad to have someone who has known me over the long haul stand in my corner. Thanks. Love you tons!
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