Whole

Do you ever feel like God just isn't there? That He isn't working? That He has somehow forgotten about you? I feel like such a faithless hypocrit for even thinking such a thing. But how many Christians feel this way? Is that how some people loose their faith? Because they are too blind to see that God is working and moving when what is ahead seems like a barren wasteland?

I'm sick of not knowing where my life is going. I'm not sitting around crying about it or anything but I'm SO impatient right now. God is asking me to trust Him in new ways and this is a test that I'm not at all that fond of. Everything is a waiting game. The school I interviewed with has still not called me...enrollment related...nothing new. The other school that was supposed to interview me this week pushed my interview back three weeks. But I'm not sticking around for it. I'm going to Iowa for at least three weeks and maybe Michigan for a week. Somehow I always find myself back there. I need to get away. If I'm supposed to get this job, God is going to have to use a phone interview as the means to get me there.

I'm starting to question a lot. Question what God is doing and why this is taking so long. Since February my life has been a flotation device...Satan is slowly pricking holes into it and sometimes I feel like the boat is starting to sink. I know God is going to take care of it, but sometimes my faith is lacking. I can't see the big picture and I hate that. I'm a planner. So what if I'm working at Walmart or McDonalds next year. God could use me even at McDonalds. Would I find that a fulfilling job? No...BUT have I no faith? This is God getting me outside of my comfort zone. Something I should embrace because it allows God to reveal His faithfulness to me.

In the waiting process I take comfort in the fact that God is refining me. Only He can take the holes out of me and make me whole. Not the security of my checkbook. I'm starting to see just how much money controls my life. I've also been thinking about some things I haven't thought about in awhile...a variety really, ministry related. I'd be happy doing anything that I could see as a ministry. Working with people. Sharing Christ. That's what matters.