Lingering Dreams

I've been at school most of the afternoon. Not my favorite place to be on a Saturday, but my evenings are so full lately that I don't really have a choice. I've been organizing, sorting, and dumping a HUGE stack of paper that I've been collecting since the beginning of the year. Now that the stack is gone, I feel organized. I love that feeling! Perhaps "cluttered" would be a better word. Nevertheless, I feel like I accomplished something this afternoon even if it was a menial task.

As I was sorting through my files I found one that said, "MY DEEPEST DREAM." A folder I had forgotten about. I was puzzled at the title until I looked inside and found "my plan." A plan I didn't follow through on. And on top of the papers, I found an email that I wrote to myself about six months ago, on May 6.

Here is a large chunk of it:

"I am in Iowa for a whirlwind trip and am trying to figure out my life. Could moving back be in the future? I taught yesterday (Thurs.) and drove home after that, arriving at three in the morning. At 9:00 I met with Dr. Vander Plaats to go over the requirements that I would need for a middle school endorsement. Then at 9:15 I met with Syd who slapped a wonderful youth ministry package on my lap...along with an opportunity to get my degree in a year! He's pulling strings, allowing me to substitute classes...I cannot believe it! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity...and I have many decisions to make.

There is this part of me that thinks I should stay in Denver. I love the city, the mountains, the variety of people and landscape. And I love Denver Christian. My life has been there for the past year. I don't like the thought of leaving...but there is the fact that my job is in jeopardy and that the school is only [thinking about] keeping my position because they want to keep me...

Now there is life in Iowa. I loathe the thought of coming back here. I could come back in like ten years or something, but I don't want living in Iowa to be in my immediate future...I have lots of prayers behind me, (people at DC, my family's, friends). Prayers that I will have clarity and make the right decision. Right now, I think I know what that decision is...

The only thing that scares me in life is the thought of living an ordinary and predictable life. That, I think, is why I left Iowa this year. If I don't go out on a limb and do crazy and weird things with my life, then who am I living for?

My faith has been tested in big ways these past few months. I can't believe I'm going to go back to Denver and turn in an unsigned contract. I can't believe all signs are pointing me back to Iowa and hopefully camp after that. This is crazy and makes no sense. Maybe that is why I'm starting to feel confident about it all. I have two more days to sort this out. God is with me. He has taught me to be strong this year. This is walking on water...."

Well, I did turn in an unsigned contract. Then two weeks later, I signed it. I changed my mind 400 times throughout one of the most tiring months of my life. And now, I sit at my desk amazed at how different life would be if I had gone back...I was so close! I forgot that until I read my letter to myself today. Wow!

My dreams haven't changed all that much. I still want to go back to school one day, maybe to teach upper level kids. More than that, I'd still love to get an educational/youth ministry degree. I crave more knowledge. But that doesn't mean that I'm not living out God's will for my life right now. I don't need to be the head leader standing in front of the youth group. I've never really needed that. I just need to be active in it. To get my hands dirty. To learn to love in new ways. I still think I'm going to end up back at school, probably not in Iowa...either here in Denver or in Michigan. And I'd still love more than anything to spend a year doing an internship at camp, hopefully Geneva, but anything is possible.

God is weird and we are tweaked. Maybe the best thing about last year is that I learned to give my plans to Him. Sometimes that is a really hard thing to do.