Let the Confusion Begin...

**DISCLAIMER: I wasn't going to post this on my blog. It is a document that I typed on microsoft this morning in the midst of frustration. But to really know what is going on in my life, and for me to truly be REAL with others (something I value greatly), I need to include this part of this chapter of my life. If you are looking for a happy read, read a different post.**


I want to SCREAM!
I want to CRY!
I want to HIDE from life as it tackles me to the ground!

I don’t want to go through this again. I do not have the STRENGTH to go through this again!

WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY!!!!

I asked my principal "the question" that has been in the back of my head all year...job cuts...future of my position in my school system. He told me just how impressed he has been with my work this year. How I’ve done an excellent job of reaching my kids academically this year, and how he is even more impressed by the way I can build relationships, connect with my students, and help build bridges in my classroom. That was good to hear. What he had to tell me after that was not so sweet. We need kids in 4th grade next year. That is all there is to it. If you are reading this...PRAY for 4th graders.

Just when I’m feeling at peace with where I am in life, something happens to totally shake me up. God has BLESSED me in such tremendous ways in the past six months. I’ve grown a ton. More than that, He has brought some AMAZING people into my life. I’m part of an absolutely AWESOME Bible Study. I’m involved in MINISTRY with Young Life. I have a CHURCH that I actually enjoy going to and that has fed me in incredible ways. I have such good FRIENDS here! And I can't neglect to mention the fact that every time God puts a great guy into my life, and there is potential for something more, there is a HUGE possibility that I will need to move.

I love my school. It brought me such joy to look at my kids this morning in Bible class...thinking about how I know so many of them inside and out, how they adore me, how I adore them, how I have been able to challenge their faith this year and how God has used me to bring them closer to Him. I am in a position that I feel is such an awesome fit for me. I feel that I’m SUPPOSED to be at a Christian school. I have a heart for ministry more than I have a heart for missions. Teaching at a Christian school, for me, is a ministry; while teaching at a public school would be like working in missions. They are for one cause, learning, yet are completely different in so many ways. I LOVE my job! I don’t want to have to say goodbye to this school. I don’t want to say goodbye to this awesome circle of people that I have grown to love here in Denver. Not yet!

At this point, I’ve been asked not to tell anyone anything. But WHAT I NEED MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IS PRAYER!!! My teaching mentor told me that he had connections with K-town Chr. in Michigan and that he’d put in a word for me if I wanted to head that direction. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michigan and somehow I feel like it is in the picture for me one day, BUT I don't feel like the time is ripe and I think they are already doing interviews. The only other job that seems somewhat okay is a 5th grade position at Sioux Falls Christian. This is a rare opening. Very rare. Most principals believe that the best teachers to hire are those with 2-4 years of experience...I might have a decent shot. Somehow I always thought I’d move back near my family one day. I’m such a family girl. But what I’ve learned in the past two years is that you don’t need to live next door to your family to deeply care about them. They’d be my only reason for moving back. Positions like this at SFC don't come around every year. Do I really want to move back there??? Now? It hurts me to say this, but I don't want to move back there. Maybe not ever.


Like I said, I’m pretty confused…but I do have lots of options.
-Wait it out...even if that means writing until Aug. 1 when things seem more bleak this year than last.
-Substitute teach
-Find another job at a Chr. school in Denver...although it wouldn't be a CSI school.
-Teach at a public school...but I fear I'd get fired for speaking the truth.
-Apply to SFC.
-Pray for job openings in Michigan at a grade level I can handle.
-Go back to school for a middle school teaching endorsement, which will open more doors for me in the future.
-Hey, why not just get certified K-12. I think I’d like teaching high school.
-Look for ministry-related jobs in Denver.
-Get my masters in Education.
-Get my masters in Educational/Youth Ministry...maybe at Calvin or CCU.
-See if it is too late to hook up a job with Geneva for the summer and go for that internship I long to do one day.

I gave up so much to be at DC. Part of me wants to beg the question...why didn’t I go back to Dordt this year? I passed up the opportunity of a LIFETIME for THIS? But then, I wouldn't give up the past six months of my life for anything. Maybe God used DC to bring me to Denver. Maybe he doesn't need to use DC to keep me here.
But maybe I need another year at DC. I need three years of teaching and then I’ll have my official teaching certificate and if I walk away after next year I know that I’ll feel peace. I DO NOT feel peace right now.

I want to ask God why this is happening, but I know that he is faithful. I don’t understand why things are looking so grim. I don’t understand why he has blessed me with such awesome people if I’m just going to have to say goodbye...I don’t want to build the walls I built around my heart last year. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

If you actually read this, you either really care about me or are really amazing. Maybe both. So thanks. These are the words I wish I could utter out loud. They are the words I needed God to hear. But they are also the words I needed my Christian friends to hear, because I need a lot of prayer and petitioning on my behalf. God knows the desires of my heart. He cares about the desires of my heart and I care about the desires of His. I will submit to His will whatever it is. But it can’t hurt to pray for mine as long as I know that in the end, His will must be done.

Take my will, and make it Thine;
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own;
It shall be Thy royal throne.
It shall be Thy royal throne

Blessed be the Name of the Lord…for He gives and He takes away. Still I will choose to say, LORD, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!