Lonely at Christmas...

I don't know how I can be surrounded by people I love all day long and still feel lonely.

It could be that part of what I am experiencing is due to the fact that I'm listening to one of the new CDs I got for Christmas from one of my favorite bands. The Goo Goo Dolls have a way of bringing me back. Bringing me back high school--listening to music when I had nothing better to do and no one to do anything with, to times in Okoboji with friends, to a boy I once liked who also happened to love the same band. I am also brought back to so many good college memories. Maybe I'm lonely because those people are no longer the big part in my life that they used to be and that those are times I never will quite have back. And good times they were.

I also find myself without David at Christmas. I may be in Iowa, but part of me isn't whole when he isn't around--in the same way that I'm not the same when my family isn't around. Only the David-shaped hole that I experience when I'm far away from him seems to become more and more unbearable as time goes on. I really can't believe how much I love him or how wonderful it is to have a man love me as much as I deserve. I can't wait until he comes out next week to join me here.

Today we celebrated Christmas at our place...the "home" farm place. Most of my uncles, aunts and cousins came by to celebrate through food and gifts. But Grandpa was not there to celebrate with us for the first time. I miss him so much today! I almost started crying in church this morning when I listened to the sermon about how the birth of Christ was only the beginning of Christmas and how Christmas has not fully accomplished what it was meant to do until God triumphs over all and earth is done and everyone has gone home to be with him...Grandpa, you were the best. What's heaven like? I wish I somehow could have known that last Christmas would be the last time I heard you read the Christmas story. So much of who I am is because of you...

It is good to be home. Good to have time to stay up late and rest and watch movies and destress.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!