Jobless Me

The end of the school year has arrived. Yesterday was my last day with my students. Jon and I made the class list for next year and then I went home and slept for awhile before meeting with my small group. It is weird to be packing up my classroom and saying goodbye to my "family" at breakfast (with the staff) this morning, wondering if I will be back here next fall. It makes the closure process difficult. I really just need a good weekend to allow the "strong" side of me to be "weak" and cry. Life has been on the go since Christmas, accomplishing the tasks before me, volunteering, spending time with friends, and filling out a few lengthy job applications.

There are a few things that I never want to forget about this week. One of those memories is a conversation I had with a mother of one of my students on Tuesday. The day we had our class party at the stables. Jeremiah's mom (mother of one of those students you would love to have every year...not because they are the most behaved, but because they are the most fun) wanted to tell me that she was praying for me and remind me that God would be faithful. God has sent me a number of these messengers in the past few weeks. She told me of a time in her life when she had to live on little and that God provided for her in the same way that He will provide for me. Then she had to pause because she was tearing up and through her tears she told me just how much her son loves me, how he doesn't just love and connect with anyone, that I have a gift, and that when I have a gift I have to use it.

Although Denver Christian has forced me to go through some of the toughest crap in my life, I have learned so much and grown so much here. Most importantly, I have been a messenger and teacher of the word...and you know what, I LOVE teaching. I would not be a teacher, would not have the desire to continue teaching, if not for the time I have had to minister through teaching at DC. God WILL provide for me. There will be tough times ahead. Tough times that include going home in just a few minutes to "crash" and pray and read and sleep. I cannot focus on packing up my classroom because I have so much baggage to unload. Stuff that I have been too busy to deal with before. Stuff that I need to keep surrendering to God and keep laying at His feet...not witholding anything back. This is hard for me.

Do you know what the scariest thing of all is? I believe that God uses trials as stepping stones to help us learn to cope and deal with future trials. It makes me wonder what kind of situations I will encounter in this lifetime.

Things need to be put back into perspective. I need to remember a time in Juarez last summer, or in the Dominican a few years ago, or in Jackson an even longer time ago...where I saw the blessing of having little. The joy in having little and no one to rely on but God.

I am jobless. God is going to provide. I already miss my students. The tears of a half dozen mothers as they said goodbye to me yesterday ring in my mind. That speaks volumes for what God has been able to do with me this past year. I love building relationships with my students and helping them see TRUTH in a way that not all elementary kids are encouraged to.

He will provide. God has a plan. This is my testimony today and forevermore.

I'm going home to rest. My classroom can wait to be packed up, but I cannot wait to spend time with God. Maybe I'll even take a drive to the mountains. I need the rest that only HE CAN GIVE.

Life is Messy...

This must be where I go when I want to cry, at least after God that is. Most of the time. You really know what is going on with me when you read my blog!!

I've never struggled with such a variety of intense emotions at once in my life:

-I have a job interview this afternoon, which is THE only job that I'm really excited about right now.

-I'm happy to have a break this summer...exhausted...needing rest...yet having no idea where the next couple of weeks in my life will take me.

-Then there is the emotion of saying goodbye to DC and my students, with a possibility that I will be back. That is a twisted mess...long story...they are keeping a 1/2 time 4th grade w/ no benefits.

-And then, I have a close friend who is struggling with a lot of doubt about faith and God. This is very heavy on my heart today after a conversation last night.

But I'm happy for another day and the fact that the CREATOR has given me LIFE. Even though I have a ton of questions right now, he is my one true ROCK. The one I will never doubt because HE has been so very faithful to me.

Jesus, I surrender this all at YOUR feet.

Please pray!

Excitement

I have a 2nd job interview tomorrow with Front Range Christian!!! I am excited.

Michigan-i-tis

It's official. I have a case of Michiganitis. This happens this time every year. The sudden urge to pack up and move to Michigan. I would be extremely happy to spend every summer there for the rest of my life. I'd be a great beach bum evanglist and I still itch for another summer at camp, especially after seeing that a couple of my old friends will still be working there this summer. Don't know if I'll make it out there this year, but I'm sure going to try!!

This past weekend was SO MUCH FUN! Cynthia, Mindy, Tiffany and I took a Roadtrip to Sand Dunes National Park. I had no idea that such things existed in Colorado! It was the closest I have ever come to feeling what the Israelites must have felt like wandering around in the desert for 40 years. It was a fun hike, but really hard because we all kept sinking into the sand. The trip also consisted of camping. I really needed to get away. So much so that I passed up a job interview with one of the Douglas county schools for it. The past week and a half has been so convicting. I still have the heart of a youth pastor and a lot of times that comes out quite boldly. I still think I'd get fired in a public school. I know that my fire would be squelched if I was not in an environment where I could spread my Savior freely. I've learned that one of my gifts is discipleship and I love it! This is the part of teaching that I crave more of when the day is over. It is the part of living that I am not complete without. I can still easily see myself working in a different type of ministry environment, but there is something awesome about having a group of kids under your wing seven hours a day for a year. What a chance to impact eternity through daily living!

Okay, that is all for now. Much to do. Lots of grading and some major planning. I also have to send out a resume for a 5th grade opening at a school in Michigan...my chances are slim...but I'll give it a whirl. I've loved my time in Colorado, but part of me feels ready to move on.

Debrief

I just have to get this off of my chest...I HATE LOOKING FOR JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would rather eat chopped liver.

I would rather pet a cat (I'm TERRIFIED of them).

I would rather bungee jump off of a cliff.

ANYTHING is better than looking for jobs.

Heart Breaker

I broke some hearts Friday afternoon. Told my kids that I wasn't going to be back next year. Things got so quiet. Faces became white. A few tears were shed. I ache for Denver Christian right now. Many parents are upset. I wouldn't be surprised if circumstances cause more kids to leave. I hate leaving this way. Thirteen days of teaching left. Lord willing, it won't be my last thirteen.

I am amazed at how much strength God has filled me with. I mutter prayers throughout the day all of the time. But I can't remember the last time I sat and read my Bible for any length of time or prayed for longer than a sentence or two at a time. I've held Him at a distance and yet He is the one thing keeping me going right now. I know that this is Him. I'm not strong enough on my own. He is strong when I am weak.

This weekend I went to see the play "Annie" at Van Dellen. My roomate did a lot of the behind the scenes work. We all went to Chili's afterwards and then most of the rest of my weekend was filled with sending out resumes and grading papers. Seems that is what takes up all of my time lately. I did pet-sit for one of my co-workers while she went to her son's graduation. It was really nice to stay in a house for awhile. Almost like a little retreat from the rest of the world. David came over Saturday night after work and stayed until almost 5am. We talked and watched tv and he studied for exams while I graded papers. Fun stuff. At least I was able to get a lot of work done this weekend. That is a huge praise. But I still have a ton to do and I want to go to the Sand Dunes with some of my friends this weekend. It has been awhile since I had any amount of significant girl time. It could be really great to get away for 48 hours.

Better keep trucking...

God Will Provide

God will provide. This is something that I must daily remind myself of right now. I have twenty-four more days at Denver Christian, which may sound like a lot, but really isn't in the broad scheme of things. This is likely the week that I will need to tell my students that I will not be back next year. It just might break my heart, if not theirs as well.

Surrendering is such a daily process right now. I have more to do than I know what to do with. Teaching elementary kids full time is like having a job and a half all by itself. But now that I am trying to fill out job applications as well, I find myself incredibly stressed out most of the time. I had a job interview with a Christian school for a 4th or 5th grade position yesterday. The interview went really well and I was sent home with the second part of the application. It is a huge process for a school that does not pay well at all. But it is a good school with a philosophy of education that I mesh well with and appreciate. This week I plan to start looking a public schools more seriously. I refuse to put God in a box and say that He can't use me there, because I know that He can. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a Christian bubble...the one thing I left Iowa to escape...the one thing I constantly find myself circled around. I need lots of prayer for clarity right now.

In the midst of all of the trouble, God has given me a few things that help me keep my sanity and the first is HIM. I often try to take control of things in my life, only to find that I have no control at all. This is scary, yet comforting. The second is the prayers and support of my team at DC and my small group. I am going to miss my DC family so much. I really couldn't have asked for a better place to begin my teaching career. If not for DC, I probably never would have given teaching a chance. David has also been such an amazing support. He never fails to be there for me when I need a hug or when I need to forget my troubles for awhile. I don't know what I'd do without him right now. In the midst of storms, God always gives us gifts...and hopefully a rainbow at the end.