H I N D S I G H T

The following post is the lyrics to "Hindsight" by John Reuben. This song could very well have been my "life song" this past year.

The lyrics are so meaningful and true. Sometimes we find ourselves drifting through life and hard times, wondering if we are making a difference or doing the right thing. Often we just want a way out when things are difficult...we all forget the fact that God has a purpose in trial and that He teaches us character through it. As the song says, He is the life giver. He has a purpose. One day everything will make sense, if we let go of our pride and throw our plans out the window.

Personally, this is my song of surrender. I'm often in a hurry to get "there" and drift off thinking about what I could be doing if I weren't stuck where I'm at. I forget that the very place I am "stuck" (occupationally) is exactly what I am supposed to be doing (even when the road ahead promises to be uphill). I have to repeatedly let go of pride, be patient, and follow God's timing. For me, this song screams my very frustrations, but it also mentions my hope in Christ. Anyway I was listening to the song tonight and looked up the lyrics. I think it is definitely a song worth listening to.

John Reuben - "Hindsight"

I screamed to God out of frustration after another day of waking
And hating the fact that I’m still where I’m at
What’s the point of all of this cuz I’m not seeming to find it - is it meaningless
I search the reason behind it because these moments seem to drag on forever
And these years on end seem to have never been
This desperation has formed repetition within
Too insecure to pretend and I’m too weak to defend
Here it comes again all in my world again left with no direction no beginning no end
The days blend together and the weather never changes
Numb to the outcome but yet not quite painless
Aimless to whether or not I made a mistake and if so how far is too far before it’s too late
Should I wait but then what would be too long to reverse the effects if I was wrong.

Chorus
Hindsight is a beautiful thing when you can look back and see what patience and time can bring

Is it a must that I’m here, is it a must that I stay in order to look forward - must I look away
We’re moving towards a new day unsure of what tomorrow will bring our way
I’m not even quite sure of what this day holds, I say we travel the unknown and watch it unfold
Hold today close while still reaching for tomorrow through the test of time
I’ve seen joy overcome sorrow so with every trial I endure
With hopes to mature into what I was created for more than life itself
I want life itself to press past the present until forever is felt and take hold of the hidden mystery
Wide-eyed and open I now see differently, if it’s so to be then give me the strength to be content And find peace in knowing one day it will all make sense

Learning to accept the unexpected because the unknown wasn’t here for me to correct it
So I let it go and stopped trying to control the impossible
Simply put tossed in the shuffle at a young age just like everyone else
So I don’t feel sorry for you or for myself
Love is bigger than that and I’m not below or above the way it moves
Even though the things it does to my train of thought can bring about doubt and uncertainty
Patience tends to not agree with my psyche – that’s more than likely just some pride in me
Fighting expectations of where I think my life should be selfishly
I forget so quickly let me never forget Lord break me in humility
Some sort of amazing grace on me as I look back upon my life and where you’ve taken me

Hear the call – peace fall from trial to triumph
I want your hand in it all
Allow me to know where to stand in it all life giver

SO HOT RIGHT NOW!

Ok - I just had to say that the heat index was 101 degrees today. It was a sweltering day of scraping paint. You could actually see the humidity hanging in the air.

My older brother was the one who first suggested that I keep a blog. Actually, I started one a few months ago but life got busy and I fogot about it. So here I am to share my thoughts and random personality. If you are reading this, you are a brave soul. I LOVE writing...but you never know what might come out of my head, through my fingers, and straight to my computer. :)

"So hot right now!" was a phrase I found myself saying a lot today. Those four words will forever remind me of my freshmen and sophomore years at Dordt. Zoolander was the rage and even though the movie makes no sense, it will always be one of my favorites. I love the part where the four male models are driving around drinking orange mocha frappuccinos and stop at the gas station. It isn't long before...poof...one of them lights a cigarette the gasoline causes a fire of jumbo proportion.

Sometimes I think I'm a little like that male model. Okay, I'm not a male. I don't want to be a male; and I for sure wouldn't want to be a model. But, all too often I wander around life and do silly things without really thinking about it. My guardian angel was with me today when I almost dropped the later on my head...no joke.

Guardian angels are most definitely real. I think God sends them at just the right time. I just wish he would have sent one to the highway I live on yesterday morning. A quarter of a mile down the road a woman traveling in a car and a truck driving in the opposite direction collided. It was loud. I was sleeping and I heard it happen. The lady didn't make it. She was 53.

Then I further thought about another accident that happened a few years ago, just off of our driveway. My brother, Ryan, was driving the tractor home when a car ran into him. He couldn't move in time. That person wasn't expecting his life to end that night either. I wonder how much my big brother, who always seems so strong and put together, thinks about that night.

Life's a journey to a final destination. By God's grace, we have some say about where our final destination will be. That destination could be coming sooner than we would like to think.

And all I can do is complain about how bored I get scraping paint and just how "so hot right now" it is.

HMMMM....

My family has been reading the story of the prodigal son for devos the past few days. Now the family joke is that I am the prodigal daughter. Hmmm....

Maybe that is something to think about this afternoon as I mow. I can just feel the sweat begin to drip!

FATHER'S DAY

One of the things I was NOT looking forward to this summer was going home to my church in Iowa. I'm not sure why, other than the fact that I have spent so much time there throughout the 23 years of my life that I see it's every fault. I've been praying so hard for the church here this year. I see so much potential in it that has gone unrecognized for so long. Iowa needs people with passion...people that see things others ignore and will do something about it.

I was a little hesitant this morning when I sat down on the same hard, wooden bench that I sat on as a small child. I didn't really want to be there. I was ready for the Heidelberg to be forced down my throat like chopped liver (don't get me wrong...I love the Heidelberg, but my past pastor acted as though it were the Bible itself and not a creed that complimented and explained the reformed belief). I looked around at all of the familiar faces and I should have felt as if I were right at home from the minute I got there. But all I was thinking was, "Get me through this morning...and then my parents will understand if I go to a different church the rest of the summer."

I was completely blown away today. This summer we have an interim pastor, a guy that I went to high school with. That was really weird at first...a total blast from the past. But what I found was such a God-thing...perhaps the answer to a few of my prayers...partly due to my changed perspective...someone who connected with the congregation and got to its core. I fully wanted to get up and shout and scream and praise God for the gift of someone honest enough to speak the truth. I know that there are more people doing the same thing in NW Iowa. Maybe I was too blinded a year ago to see that. I had to write this, so that the next time I am frustrated I can remember a time where I saw God at work in a church that often seems spiritually dead to me.

You might call me overly critical. In fact, sometimes I know that I am. I don't have it all figured out. I just long for a little bit more of heaven here on earth. I think the church needs more heaven and less of us. (But maybe its possible that we need MORE of us...there's a whole different realm of thought.) We often get in the way...so many things can get in the way. Most people have no problem being real in worship at home, with friends or family, in the car, whatever...but bring them to church, and I'm convinced that you see a different (fake) side of people there. Why is that? Shouldn't the church be the one place where we can admit our faults openly?

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is this...What does true community look like? Any thoughts?