Whole

Do you ever feel like God just isn't there? That He isn't working? That He has somehow forgotten about you? I feel like such a faithless hypocrit for even thinking such a thing. But how many Christians feel this way? Is that how some people loose their faith? Because they are too blind to see that God is working and moving when what is ahead seems like a barren wasteland?

I'm sick of not knowing where my life is going. I'm not sitting around crying about it or anything but I'm SO impatient right now. God is asking me to trust Him in new ways and this is a test that I'm not at all that fond of. Everything is a waiting game. The school I interviewed with has still not called me...enrollment related...nothing new. The other school that was supposed to interview me this week pushed my interview back three weeks. But I'm not sticking around for it. I'm going to Iowa for at least three weeks and maybe Michigan for a week. Somehow I always find myself back there. I need to get away. If I'm supposed to get this job, God is going to have to use a phone interview as the means to get me there.

I'm starting to question a lot. Question what God is doing and why this is taking so long. Since February my life has been a flotation device...Satan is slowly pricking holes into it and sometimes I feel like the boat is starting to sink. I know God is going to take care of it, but sometimes my faith is lacking. I can't see the big picture and I hate that. I'm a planner. So what if I'm working at Walmart or McDonalds next year. God could use me even at McDonalds. Would I find that a fulfilling job? No...BUT have I no faith? This is God getting me outside of my comfort zone. Something I should embrace because it allows God to reveal His faithfulness to me.

In the waiting process I take comfort in the fact that God is refining me. Only He can take the holes out of me and make me whole. Not the security of my checkbook. I'm starting to see just how much money controls my life. I've also been thinking about some things I haven't thought about in awhile...a variety really, ministry related. I'd be happy doing anything that I could see as a ministry. Working with people. Sharing Christ. That's what matters.

My Birthday

Yes, I am officially twenty-four. My birthday weekend was awesome! On Friday night I went to a concert where I helped work the coffee bar. It was fun. (I think I could do the whole coffee shop ministry thing. Why does the whole possibility of not finding a teaching job stress me out so much???) The music was great and best of all LOUD.

Saturday morning (my birthday) my roomate Pamela took me to the Village Inn for breakfast. We both remarked how eating at the Village Inn has a very midwest feel. Made me quite nostalgic. My roomate on the other hand is not as found of our homeland as I am. I spent the rest of the day with my boyfriend. I must say he did an excellent job of making my birthday very special. We went hiking at Rocky Mountain National Park and then he made me a picnic dinner. I was impressed.

On Sunday we went to church at 3rd CRC. It had been awhile since I went to a CRC church. Usually 3rd is where I go when I miss my home church. I love the family feel and the opportunity to play Dutch bingo. I met a guy who was born in my hometown of Hull. In the afternoon David and I went to Clement park in Littleton, went for a walk around the lake, and took a nap in the sun. Last night I went to church and hung out with some friends afterwards.

Lesson I am trying to learn this week:
Patience when you have no idea where life is taking you or who is going to be there with you when it has all worked itself out. I'm scared at the prospect of where I could be in two months. Deathly afraid. Scared of leaving, but scared of staying too. How do you know what dreams you are supposed to follow and which ones you are supposed to leave behind?

Double Bummer

Whoa! Back at school...I was hoping to finish sorting through my email account before they boot me off of the system, but the system is down. I was also hoping to talk to my principal but he is not here today. And so, not wanting to waste this trip to school altogether, I find myself blogging...

Yesterday...get this...I finally unpacked all of my things from when I moved six months ago. Well, not really. You see, I'd unpack a box and then end up bringing another box home with gifts from my students or books to read or whatever. But now, I'm all organized and my roomate loves me. She's the super-organized one. I'm more of the cluttered, "I have too much stuff and not enough room" type of girl. It is hard to share a tiny bedroom with two double beds! Thirty dollars and a couple of rummbermaid containers later, my room is so neat you wouldn't know what hit you. :)

I'm still waiting to hear from Front Range Christian...apparently they don't know where their enrollment is at and so they are waiting to hire someone. This could be a good thing if the other people they interviewed decide to look for something else, but bad if they don't hire anyone altogether. On Friday I talked to another Christian school in the area...they also have a fourth grade opening. But they are very into "hands-on" learning and the whole interview was pretty intimidating. Sounds like a very high pressure job...not sure how I feel about it. But it sounds like I'm the only application they are looking at right now and they want to do a second interview. That is cool. At least I look good on paper, right?

Saturday is my birthday!!! 24 sounds so old!

Off-Roading in a Miata

The Past 10 Days...

1) On Sunday I climbed Mt. Shavano...my second 14er (14, 310 ft. I believe). It was a ten hour, ten mile hike, with lots of breaks. Much harder than my first 14er but more rewarding in many ways too. I'd love to do another one this summer, probably in August. This time I think I'll do more training. Anyone care to join me? :) Oh yeah, the Miata...on the way to the mountain we were off-roading to get to the campgrounds at the base of the mountain. Some people were on the road with a Miata. Who in the world off-roads in a Miata? Pretty crazy...

2) I've been busy studying for the Praxis test which I will be taking on Saturday. This test covers a ton of information in the areas of language arts, math, social studies, and the sciences. I need to take the test to get my Colorado teacher certification and I admit that I'm a little nervous. I have actually had fun studying. I miss having time to read.

3) Got my brakes fixed...why do cars have to cost so much money???

4) I'm finally getting around to filling out forms for Colorado and Iowa state teacher licensure. My Iowa license runs out at the end of the month.

5) I went to the body exhibit at the science museum here in Denver last Wednesday...it was amazing! The museum consists of people who donate themselves to science once they are dead. Now their bodies are on display. May sound gruesome, but actually it was quite interesting. I am awed by the intricacy of the human body after this exhibit and just how perfectly it was designed. God is so cool!

6) My girlfriends and I had threw a bridal shower for my friend Amy who lives here in Denver. Her wedding is in Grand Rapids in July.

7) Still no news on the job front but I have only filled out three applications. Part of me is entirely okay with not teaching next year...but I'm not sure where that would lead me. I am also more okay with moving than I was a few months ago. Who knows where I'll be in a few months! :) I'm supposed to hear from FRC this week.

8) I've had time to contemplate life. This is both a good and a bad thing. I've been told that Satan has time to work when you aren't busy and, even though it would appear that I have been busy by reading what I've been up to the past few days, I'm much less busy than normal. I've been dealing with lots of thoughts...some of which I'm sure are not God...and I'm having a hard time deciphering truth from lies. So many times I buy into lies without even realizing it...something I have recently been made aware of and convicted by in new ways.

Will write more later...Have a great week!