Getting Attacked but Somehow Still Happy

I had a car accident on Wednesday. I was in Parker and stopping to get gas at a station before heading to the rec center, where I meet a friend every Weds. before Young Life. Wouldn't ya know, somebody backed right into my beautiful Grand Am. And now I'm dealing with the hassle of insurance companies and it isn't fun. I spent my entire planning period and another half hour after school today on the phone. Even called my dad in Iowa for advice and have been talking to people at school about where to take my car to get fixed. What a pain! At least my car is drivable, except when I hit a huge bump on the road and it scapes the bottom of my car. Not cool.

Other not cool news of the day...more word on the job front. Start praying for 7th graders, because if we don't get a few more enrolled for next year they are going to do some shuffling and it will be adios to me. Oh yeah, keep praying for 4th graders too...we still need more of those to guarantee my position here for next year. Yuck! But hey, I still think my God is a BIG God and I still believe that my place is in Denver next year...even if I'm working at Starbucks. I don't feel peace about leaving at all, which means I decided not to apply at SFC, but maybe I should sit in prayer this weekend and re-think that. It is hard to live in Denver and believe in Christian education and be in my position.

Tonight I'm going to go see the movie "Second Chance" with a big group of people from church. It is the new Michael W. Smith movie. I told David that the only way I would go is if he'd listen to me vent and get frustrated about church afterwards. What a boy. He lets me get frustrated about church and my vision of what church should be and I still haven't scared him way. This is a good thing.

The Permanent Grin on My Face...

My roommates say that I have a permanent grin on my face, which I'm quite certain is true. One minute you are enjoying the single life and the next minute you wake up and you are dating a completely awesome guy, wondering how that ever happened, knowing that it is totally God. The boy and I made it official last night. We are dating. I wasn't looking for it. Definitely wasn't expecting it to happen. But somehow this makes a lot of sense.

Broomball, Anyone?

The retreat was a lot of fun.

One highlight of the trip was playing broomball. I just discovered the sport this weekend. Apparently it is a Minnesota thing. Who knew that hitting a ball with a broom stick and slipping around on ice could be so much fun? I also went sledding/tubing and sat in the hot tub three times in the -0 temps of winter in the mountains. It was COLD, and a little crazy, but fun.

Another highlight was spending time with my small group. I have been blessed with such an awesome circle of girls to spend my Thursday nights with. Not only have I learned to be more hospitable by hosting this group once a week, but I've made some lasting friendship and have truly experienced the body of Christ in action through these girls.

Right now I'm trying to get some lesson planning done. But it is going slow. I can't focus. I'm being extremely unproductive. I'm trying to get Valentines finished for my students, come up with a few games for our party, and finish my lesson plans for the rest of the week at the same time while updating my resume. I keep jumping around from one task to another. I thought I'd debrief and see if this helps.

Self-evaluation: I'm having a very hard time being patient in all areas of my life. But don't pray for patience. I don't want to deal with further trial. I think part of the reason I can't focus on my school work is because I'm so anxious about next year and the next step for me after May. I have to decide if I'm going to go ahead and apply to SFC in the next few days. Maybe I'll go back to school next year. I don't have the money, but I never will. I'm just waiting for March 1 to roll around so they can officially tell me that they aren't giving me a contract for next year. At which point they'll probably ask me to be an aid, but I don't want to do that. I'm still praying for a miracle. My God is a BIG God. He can bring in 4th graders. He can pave the way for me to stay here if this is where he wants me.

The only thing that is certain right now is that I don't want to leave Denver. I don't want to move every other year of my life. If it were a year or two from now, maybe I'd feel different. Maybe I'd feel ready to go. Job or no job, I really want to stay here. What a difference a year makes. Last year I was praying that my job would be cut so I could go back to school. This year I'm praying that I'll be able to stay in my position, because I don't want to go back to school just yet. God and I have a long journey ahead. I need to meet with him alone more often. It can be so hard to trust him sometimes! He is trying to teach me that he will provide and that I don't need to be so much of a planner. I'm not as stressed out as I was last year, but I still have a lot of letting go to do!

Retreat

In three hours I am off to the mountains for the weekend. I am going on a retreat with my church at Timberline Camp near Winter Park. It is going to be a lot of fun. Most of the girls from my small group are going and we will be gone until Sunday afternoon.

The mountains are currently white and covered with snow. I love looking at the different pictures God paints in the mountains each day. It is going to be great to get away and worship, hang out with my girls, and spend some quality time with God.

Let the Confusion Begin...

**DISCLAIMER: I wasn't going to post this on my blog. It is a document that I typed on microsoft this morning in the midst of frustration. But to really know what is going on in my life, and for me to truly be REAL with others (something I value greatly), I need to include this part of this chapter of my life. If you are looking for a happy read, read a different post.**


I want to SCREAM!
I want to CRY!
I want to HIDE from life as it tackles me to the ground!

I don’t want to go through this again. I do not have the STRENGTH to go through this again!

WHY, OH WHY, OH WHY!!!!

I asked my principal "the question" that has been in the back of my head all year...job cuts...future of my position in my school system. He told me just how impressed he has been with my work this year. How I’ve done an excellent job of reaching my kids academically this year, and how he is even more impressed by the way I can build relationships, connect with my students, and help build bridges in my classroom. That was good to hear. What he had to tell me after that was not so sweet. We need kids in 4th grade next year. That is all there is to it. If you are reading this...PRAY for 4th graders.

Just when I’m feeling at peace with where I am in life, something happens to totally shake me up. God has BLESSED me in such tremendous ways in the past six months. I’ve grown a ton. More than that, He has brought some AMAZING people into my life. I’m part of an absolutely AWESOME Bible Study. I’m involved in MINISTRY with Young Life. I have a CHURCH that I actually enjoy going to and that has fed me in incredible ways. I have such good FRIENDS here! And I can't neglect to mention the fact that every time God puts a great guy into my life, and there is potential for something more, there is a HUGE possibility that I will need to move.

I love my school. It brought me such joy to look at my kids this morning in Bible class...thinking about how I know so many of them inside and out, how they adore me, how I adore them, how I have been able to challenge their faith this year and how God has used me to bring them closer to Him. I am in a position that I feel is such an awesome fit for me. I feel that I’m SUPPOSED to be at a Christian school. I have a heart for ministry more than I have a heart for missions. Teaching at a Christian school, for me, is a ministry; while teaching at a public school would be like working in missions. They are for one cause, learning, yet are completely different in so many ways. I LOVE my job! I don’t want to have to say goodbye to this school. I don’t want to say goodbye to this awesome circle of people that I have grown to love here in Denver. Not yet!

At this point, I’ve been asked not to tell anyone anything. But WHAT I NEED MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IS PRAYER!!! My teaching mentor told me that he had connections with K-town Chr. in Michigan and that he’d put in a word for me if I wanted to head that direction. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michigan and somehow I feel like it is in the picture for me one day, BUT I don't feel like the time is ripe and I think they are already doing interviews. The only other job that seems somewhat okay is a 5th grade position at Sioux Falls Christian. This is a rare opening. Very rare. Most principals believe that the best teachers to hire are those with 2-4 years of experience...I might have a decent shot. Somehow I always thought I’d move back near my family one day. I’m such a family girl. But what I’ve learned in the past two years is that you don’t need to live next door to your family to deeply care about them. They’d be my only reason for moving back. Positions like this at SFC don't come around every year. Do I really want to move back there??? Now? It hurts me to say this, but I don't want to move back there. Maybe not ever.


Like I said, I’m pretty confused…but I do have lots of options.
-Wait it out...even if that means writing until Aug. 1 when things seem more bleak this year than last.
-Substitute teach
-Find another job at a Chr. school in Denver...although it wouldn't be a CSI school.
-Teach at a public school...but I fear I'd get fired for speaking the truth.
-Apply to SFC.
-Pray for job openings in Michigan at a grade level I can handle.
-Go back to school for a middle school teaching endorsement, which will open more doors for me in the future.
-Hey, why not just get certified K-12. I think I’d like teaching high school.
-Look for ministry-related jobs in Denver.
-Get my masters in Education.
-Get my masters in Educational/Youth Ministry...maybe at Calvin or CCU.
-See if it is too late to hook up a job with Geneva for the summer and go for that internship I long to do one day.

I gave up so much to be at DC. Part of me wants to beg the question...why didn’t I go back to Dordt this year? I passed up the opportunity of a LIFETIME for THIS? But then, I wouldn't give up the past six months of my life for anything. Maybe God used DC to bring me to Denver. Maybe he doesn't need to use DC to keep me here.
But maybe I need another year at DC. I need three years of teaching and then I’ll have my official teaching certificate and if I walk away after next year I know that I’ll feel peace. I DO NOT feel peace right now.

I want to ask God why this is happening, but I know that he is faithful. I don’t understand why things are looking so grim. I don’t understand why he has blessed me with such awesome people if I’m just going to have to say goodbye...I don’t want to build the walls I built around my heart last year. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

If you actually read this, you either really care about me or are really amazing. Maybe both. So thanks. These are the words I wish I could utter out loud. They are the words I needed God to hear. But they are also the words I needed my Christian friends to hear, because I need a lot of prayer and petitioning on my behalf. God knows the desires of my heart. He cares about the desires of my heart and I care about the desires of His. I will submit to His will whatever it is. But it can’t hurt to pray for mine as long as I know that in the end, His will must be done.

Take my will, and make it Thine;
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own;
It shall be Thy royal throne.
It shall be Thy royal throne

Blessed be the Name of the Lord…for He gives and He takes away. Still I will choose to say, LORD, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

More Than It Seems

I was sick yesterday. I think it was something that I ate on Sunday. Sick enough to miss school and have to come in at 5:30am to write lessons plans. Not fun. But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to teach because I was really nauseous and dizzy. Today I am feeling a little better. I’m still dizzy and my body is lacking fluid. I lost 6 pounds yesterday. Now that is a lot of water!

Other than that, I had a really good weekend. I sort of, kind of, had a date Friday night. Well, we didn’t call it a date. But he did open doors for me and pay for me, which I guess according to most people would constitute as a date. We had a good time apart from all of those first-date awkward feelings which were soon resolved at the Super Bowl party at church on Sunday night. Strange how God puts people into your life when you aren’t looking, when you are enjoying being single. Whether this will turn into a really good friendship or something more, I can’t tell you, but I have been praying for God’s leading in this and through this.

Staff devotions this morning were about being Barbarous Christians, refusing to give up the fight and being willing to give up all we have for it. The teacher in charge played the song “More Than It Seems” by Kutless. I'm becoming a big Kutless fan. Great song. Talks about a lot of the things I have a hard time putting into words. How sometimes my dreams seem so big, how sometimes I settle for less, and how I need to keep having the courage to live a life of Radical Love.

Snappy Turtles

At some point blogging becomes an addiction. It's like..."Let me blog! I can't think about anything else until I WRITE!" So, here's the amusing story of yet another day in 4th grade.

I have this box of Snappy Turtles that came to Denver with me all the way from Iowa. They used to sell them at Fareway and whenever I would go home I would buy like four boxes of Snappy Turtles. I'm not joking. Basically they are a graham cracker and a cheap version of the Teddy Graham, only better because they are in the shape of a turtle. Turtles are so much more fun than teddy bears! Well, one day Fareway decided to stop carrying Snappy Turtles. I don't know why. Every time I go home, I check to see if they are at Fareway. The past couple of times I've been home, no such luck. So now I am down to my last box. I brought the box to school on Monday because I didn't have time to eat breakfast and was out of most of my other breakfast food. When I told my students about my Snappy Turtles, they became quite excited that I have the "last box on the planet". Well, maybe not. I could write the company in Ohio and find out whatever happened to this product. (Does anyone out there know?)

So today, my students were begging me for some Snappy Turtles. A few days ago I gave each of them one turtle. Now they are writing stories about Snappy Turtles. The strangest things inspire the writing of kids. I love reading their stories. Today, they asked me for more Snappies. I told them that whoever could be quiet for the WHOLE afternoon could have a Snappy. I didn't think they'd acutally go for this trick in my teaching. But they all tried so hard to be quiet for TWO hours just for ONE Snappy Turtle...crazy! By the end of the day, I had two students left. Jordan, who has always been a star student; and my talker, Jeremiah, who is one of the most adorable 4th grade boys I've taught. Both fun kids. Funny experience. Fun day. Until later.