Celebrity for a Day

Me, a celebrity??? At least I was today to a group of 5th graders at Denver Christian. It was a four and a half hour visit filled with a ton of different emotions: joy at seeing many of my old kids again, happiness in being able to reconnect with a lot of my old teaching friends, and some sadness too.

I came during faith families chapel (mixed grades, K-8) and when it was finished half of the kids swarmed to me like bees to honey and hugged me harder than I have ever been hugged before. I spent the morning listening to the kids practice handbells, went to library with them, and sat in the classrooms for awhile. During the course of the morning I also was asked to sign some autographs. Kids are really cute. I signed the bottom of lots of shoes and wrote a few notes.

I'm glad to know that I am missed, much more than I thought I was. I praise God for those kids, for how much they still love me, for how much I still love them. I am so happy to know that I made a difference in someone's life. The dream is not lost, I helped kids know God better last year and there is nothing more valuable in this life than that.

I miss being a classroom teacher. I miss those relationships. You don't get that when you teach over a hundred kids. (I don't even know all of their names yet!) It is amazing to me how hard things can still hit you five months later...compassion...a gift I possess maybe, but not an easy one.

Compassion bleeds like no other emotion can.

Dreaming,,,

This morning I dreamed of corn fields and a sunset over a glorious lake. It was a restless kind of sleep. A fragmented dream...feeling much like my life right now...bits and pieces of me thrown together in the present as I try to write something interesting about the past few days of my life.

Yesterday I took care of some errands: visited the pharmacy for my overactive acne, got my oil changed, had my address changed on my driver's license (finally), and then came home to rearrange things in my sardine-can bedroom. I have a lot of clothes. They don't even all fit in my closet, which I share, and the cooler temperatures have forced me to realize that winter is on its way and I must get out my winter clothes or freeze to death (worst-case scenario, of course).

Today I am finally sorting through all of my teaching boxes that I haphazardly packed up when I returned to Denver after the summer. I couldn't bear to sit and look at each item, pondering if it should be tossed or packed up for a future classroom *sigh* hopefully at another good CSI school. I still miss my old job. I am enjoying my new job more as the days go by, but I do still miss it. Tomorrow I'm going over to DC to hang out in the fifth grade classrooms for a bit. I promised my students last year that I would do my best to visit if I had a chance, so tomorrow is the day. I'm an anxious to see what my emotions will do tomorrow. There is still a lot of pain at the loss of the dream, still so much love for my old students and the people there, so many other feelings, some of which I cannot explain.

Past Two Weeks

Good News for the Day: I think I have finally learned to be more effecient with my time at work. I'm a professional juggler of 3rd through 6th grade students at Southeast Christian School. I may be an assistant, but I still have a ton of teaching duties and probably less time free than the classroom teachers on most days.

In Better News: The Mat Kearney concert was awesome! I'm so glad that David and I were able to go in spite of Denver's first snow for the season. It took us over two hours to get to Boulder, more than the usual one hour drive and we didn't get home until 1am (on a school night!). We were standing ten feet away from the stage. It was pretty cool. I love how so much of his music is about God and how full of heart he writes his songs.

Even Better News: I went to Glenwood Springs last weekend, three hours west of here. I went with my two wonderful roomates and our friends Rachel and Jen. Last Saturday night we sat in the hot springs pool. Then on Sunday I discovered my new favorite hike in Colorado, Hanging Lake, before stopping at Beau Jos (pizza) on the way back to Denver. The hike took only about two hours round trip but it was one of the most gorgeous sites I have ever seen. The water was a beautiful turquoise color and there were a couple of amazing water falls. I may just have to post my pictures sometime. :)

Best News: I'm on FALL BREAK!!! I don't have to go to work all week next week and I couldn't be happier! I think I'm going to catch up on LIFE! If I made a list of all of the things I should do next week, I'd be completely overwhelmed. So tonight, I am relaxing. Tomorrow the adventure will begin!

I'm Going to a Concert!!!!!

Yeah! I just thought I'd let you all know that I am going to a Mat Kearney concert tomorrow night! David just bought the tickets like ten minutes ago. I can't wait!!!!

We Are All Needy

Thanks Christy, for the advice. I really do need to take a week off and the good news is that there are only two more weeks until Fall break. I'm looking forward to having some quality time.

What I have learned is how hard it is for me to live in the city. I've never had so many circles of people in my life. So many things I wanted to do. Life was more simple when I was...bored...but I know that being bored is not the solution.

I didn't go to Bible Study #3 tonight. It is a study with a dear friend from Denver Christian and the parent of one of my former students. I do love them both, but tonight I realized just how much I love my Thursday nights. David has class until 8:30 so I don't see or talk to him on Thursdays and the roomate that I share a room with works until 11:00pm. Most nights she comes home at 8:00 and requires my attention, but maybe I need to say no to her more often too. I have vowed to reserve my Thursday nights for me...to read, go for a walk, watch a movie, spend time with God, do laundry, ect. but mostly just to be quiet. I need to be around people most of the time, but lately 95 percent of my time has been around people, and I need to be by myself to recharge. I think this is key to putting balance into my life...I hate that word...balance.

I found myself asking this week, why does God put so many needy people into my life? I found myself thinking of all of the people who expect things from me...and I know that even though I love them, I am not the solution to their problems. I am not the solution because I am needy too. We all are needy. I NEED God. I need to give myself time to recharge and refuel. I NEED to realize that this is most important and that only He can fill me, not the satisfaction I get by trying to rescue the world! Being a compassionate person can be hard!

I hope to be freed in the next few weeks. I hope to learn to say "no". I found this out about myself already last year and for awhile it worked, but I'm looking for a lasting solution. Prioritize...prioritize...prioritize.

Something needs to go...

I couldn't find my journal tonight, so I find myself blogging what I must get out of my head in order for me to sleep tonight. I am currently living on a lack of sleep plus sugar (which happens when I do not sleep), which leads to low energy. I am also so completely Iowa-sick right now. Missing Iowa in the fall. Missing being on the farm in the fall. Missing taking classes and learning and playing soccer and crisp early morning breezes.

What is on my chest is that I am too busy with things that I think are valuable. Things that I believe are important, but I am only one person and cannot do everything. Here is what my typical week looks like:

Sunday - Church, Young Life, Church
Monday - Teaching, Young Life
Tuesday - Teaching, YL prayer meeting, Bible study with Kristi
Wednesday - Teaching, meetings after school, Bible Study
Thursday - Teaching, different Bible Study
Friday - Teaching
Saturday - Making up for lost time.

Add to this schedule friends, a boyfriend, trying to exercise, eat healthy, clean, spend quiet time with God, call family and friends in other states, lesson planning, and time for just me and I feel too busy. I can't do what I did in college and live on power naps. That no longer works for me. Instead I have opted to live on less energy. I know that I can't go on like this much longer. I have way too much to juggle!

I feel like there is so much more that could be added to my schedule with YL...meeting with kids, getting to the high school, ect. I LOVE Young Life. I love what working 15 hours less a week has allowed me to do this year. I love meeting with kids and hanging out and just being there to be a positive and encouraging friend. Young Life, I am convinced, is one reason God did not give me a job as a classroom teacher this year. I wasn't able to give even half as much last year and already I can see the benefits that are being reaped. I am living out my passion. There is nothing that excites me more than seeing a kid meet Christ in a more personal and meaningful way. This, I know, I cannot take out of my life.

As for the Bible studies, well, I have lots of friends outside of my job and YL that desire my time as well. On more than one occasion I have had people come up to me and say something like, "Julie, why don't you join me for ____________(some Biblical study, you name it). I really appreciate your knowledge and learning from you!" What a great compliment! BUT hearing things like this makes me feel like I just can't say "NO". Does anyone else feel that way? This the hardest part about being involved in church, Young Life, and being a Christian school teacher. I feel like I know what it is like to be a pastor. So many good things that I could be a part of, so many things I could have a positive impact on, but I'm tired and when I am tired I am not being as productive in my ministry as I could be.

I also feel disconnected. I feel like so many of the people I know, love, and care about are a zillion miles away. I have lost touch with so many people in the past few months. I know that many people come into and out of your life and that is natural. But I cannot ditch those who have been my best friends, those who have challenged me, those I have learned with, and those who are more like family than friends. It shouldn't be so hard for me to drop an email once a month or make a phone call. I even feel disconnected from my own family. Completely out of touch. Part of this is not having seen them in two months, but I know that I'm not helping my mother's mid-life depression by not calling her more often (my moving away and growing up seems to have taken the purpose out of her life), or to ask my younger brother how college is going, or call my older brother (which, sadly, I have never done). I can handle living away from them as long as they are still a priority to me, and as long as they know that, but I know that I am less of a daughter and sister than I want to be.

Something needs to go. This is what I am praying about. Stuff that I am doing for God should not wear me out, but having too much of it to deal with wears me out. I know that I need to take better care of myself. I also know that I need more God time. I need time to sit with God without others around me. If others are to actually benefit from my heart and my teaching, I need to be still before God and listen to his voice. I also need to grow and I think the best way for this to happen is for me to spend more time with Him on my own. I need to regain my focus.

So, the question I am pondering tonight...

What needs to go?

My job? Young Life? Bible Study #1, 2, or 3? Church? Boyfriend? Friends? Family?

Okay...so obviously, I can't let go of some of these things.

BUT...Something needs to go.

Any suggestions???